Perfectly Un-Perfect

So I hope it was a good holiday for all. I really enjoyed the holiday it was very low key, which was perfect and I have so much to be grateful for. I’m grateful that I still learn new things that open my eyes to other possibilities…. This of course is among so much more that I’m grateful for (my husband, my family, friends, my dog, a roof over my head, food on my table, a good job, a full/rich life…). 

I was recently asked by my therapist to take part in an exercise based on some of my frustrations in a recent session with her. She asked me to use words that described how I felt about money (one of my frustrations). When she read the list back to me they had the words, “I am…” before them. Anything/anyone can be a reflection of who we are. When hearing the list my first thought was that it sounded like my mother. Anyone who knows me well, knows that my relationship with my mother is very estranged and very non-existent, so this is not a complement. I vowed long ago to never be like her.

This exercise had quite a powerful effect on me. Over the next few weeks as I sat with these words reflecting at me. I was to not only write about any push back that my mind gave in regard to the words, but I was also to ask someone that I trusted to tell me the truth about if they viewed me as being this particular list of words and what I discovered is that I was more likely this way to myself, but not to others. What it made me realize is that I needed to do a better job finding a way to like myself and to treat myself gently and kindly. After sitting with these words for a few weeks I realized that, yes, sometimes I am these things, but not always and that is okay… it is part of accepting me for me. At times we can all be a little ugly to ourselves and maybe to others as well. We are all perfectly un-perfect.

In the same day that I did this exercise, the words kept eating at me and I broke down in tears not understanding why this reflection was revealed, but I knew that I would do whatever work I needed to in order to improve not only my relationship with myself, but also with money and as a result with others who are in my life or that I come in contact with.  The work may be difficult and painful, but I know this work can be so rewarding. So far this tiny, seemingly simple exercise has been transformitive, and yet it is incomplete. I will learn next steps in the next session. It is time to be brave, strong and to face the demons whatever they may be. I must say that I do feel more at peace with myself already. I’m ready to face the challenges that life brings and for this I’m grateful.

What are your demons? Are you afraid to face them? Do you project your emotions, feeling and thoughts on to others?