Reflecting vs Resolutions

This is a great time of year to reflect on the year. As most of you know I'm not much of a resolutions kind of gal. I've always felt if something needs to change, then change it. I'm not waiting for the new year. That said, I do take this time to see how far I've come on my journey over the past year and I have things in mind that I know I will do to move the journey forward in the coming year. It is a look in the rear view mirror  so to speak and I do try to visualize what I want or hope for for myself, my family and the world around us in the coming year. It has been a year full of big accomplishments in my household and I don't look at myself as an overachiever or perfectionist, but there were big rocks that had to be moved in order to make it to the next phase of my journey and I knew going into this year that I would experience a fair amount of stress though I never lost sight of the goals and I cannot help but feel like it all came together near the end of the year tied up in one big pretty bow. It isn't often I feel that way at the new year... it usually feels like a big mess, so I will savor this one for sure... and yet there were items that were lower on the priority list that will get pushed to next year and I'm really ok with that. Many people experience anxiety or anticipation around the coming year with undue pressure that they put on themselves. This is something I find to be counterproductive and I personally don't set goals for myself that are unrealistic. They sometimes may seem like a bit of a stretch, but not unrealistic by any means.

My Christmas gift to myself is acceptance, not just of myself, but of others and of situations or circumstances. There will always be work to be done, but I feel that acceptance is a great way to be in the moment. My second gift is learning to roll with the punches (This is not a new gift, but one I'm constantly honing). Though I've always been fairly adept at accepting change, I feel I am much more at peace when change takes place now and I feel as though the year in the "rear view" or in retrospect was a big lesson in experiencing peace along with major changes, which makes it soooo much easier to embrace and get on with life. I'm still working through the last exercise from my previous post about how we reflect/project our feelings onto others or onto objects, so I don't have an update other than the continuation has been just as impactful. I feel lighter about life and like I have room for whatever the coming year will bring. This is a good place to be and I'm thankful for that.

I'm proud of my family and friends as I've seen so many of them achieve growth personally and professionally that has been impactful in a positive way in their lives and in mine. They may not realize it, but I want to be the one to acknowledge them.

May the coming year reveal great opportunities as it unravels its seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months! I wish you success with all the coming challenges the new year will bring and my hope is that you will be gentle with yourself in this fast paced and sometimes crazy world we live in.  My wish for my readers is for peace, love and joy! Happy New Year!

Perfectly Un-Perfect

So I hope it was a good holiday for all. I really enjoyed the holiday it was very low key, which was perfect and I have so much to be grateful for. I’m grateful that I still learn new things that open my eyes to other possibilities…. This of course is among so much more that I’m grateful for (my husband, my family, friends, my dog, a roof over my head, food on my table, a good job, a full/rich life…). 

I was recently asked by my therapist to take part in an exercise based on some of my frustrations in a recent session with her. She asked me to use words that described how I felt about money (one of my frustrations). When she read the list back to me they had the words, “I am…” before them. Anything/anyone can be a reflection of who we are. When hearing the list my first thought was that it sounded like my mother. Anyone who knows me well, knows that my relationship with my mother is very estranged and very non-existent, so this is not a complement. I vowed long ago to never be like her.

This exercise had quite a powerful effect on me. Over the next few weeks as I sat with these words reflecting at me. I was to not only write about any push back that my mind gave in regard to the words, but I was also to ask someone that I trusted to tell me the truth about if they viewed me as being this particular list of words and what I discovered is that I was more likely this way to myself, but not to others. What it made me realize is that I needed to do a better job finding a way to like myself and to treat myself gently and kindly. After sitting with these words for a few weeks I realized that, yes, sometimes I am these things, but not always and that is okay… it is part of accepting me for me. At times we can all be a little ugly to ourselves and maybe to others as well. We are all perfectly un-perfect.

In the same day that I did this exercise, the words kept eating at me and I broke down in tears not understanding why this reflection was revealed, but I knew that I would do whatever work I needed to in order to improve not only my relationship with myself, but also with money and as a result with others who are in my life or that I come in contact with.  The work may be difficult and painful, but I know this work can be so rewarding. So far this tiny, seemingly simple exercise has been transformitive, and yet it is incomplete. I will learn next steps in the next session. It is time to be brave, strong and to face the demons whatever they may be. I must say that I do feel more at peace with myself already. I’m ready to face the challenges that life brings and for this I’m grateful.

What are your demons? Are you afraid to face them? Do you project your emotions, feeling and thoughts on to others?

What a Scream...

So after a long stress filled year and taking time away from my typical regimented routine care and appointments, I have found it somewhat difficult to get back into the swing of things as far as maintaining doctors’ appointments, etc. I find myself longing for some taste of normal and felt I was so close to that prior to kicking up all the new symptoms from the overload of stress.

There are two voices, one is telling me how important it is to get back on track and that I will be that much closer to being able to eliminate much of my protocol and the other is telling me to go rogue, be free so to speak. But I’m certain reason stands somewhere in between.

I find myself wondering if I could ever be fortunate enough to know what normal feels like ever again and if I’m not, then what am I doing all this for? I know enough at this point that I could do a fairly good job at maintaining reasonably good health on my own, but it is when the major hiccups come along that I must rely on my very capable and wonderful practitioners. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so eternally grateful for all of them, but there is part of me that wishes I never had to talk with them again at least about my health and how I’m doing. This gives me serious insight into how I know my clients must feel at times and I’m incredibly empathetic.

Would it kill me to stop my appointments, no, but over time I would likely wind up in a state that would set me back further than I’d ever be able to imagine. I don’t want that either.

It is inevitable that there will be times during chronic illness where you’ll feel like you want to escape, but that you will realize that there is no escape… And then you have to figure out how to move on.

In all the self-care that I’ve learned over the years, I’ve found scream therapy to be extremely helpful. It sounds strange, but this is something I typically do when I’m in my car. I cannot do this at home or my poor dog would freak out. The car is a great place because if you are like me it is the only place where I don’t feel inhibited to scream as loud as I can. F you have children, they can scream with you. I always feel better after a good scream and I always imagine all the things I am frustrated or angry about when I scream and then I let them go. It is a huge relief and I cannot explain it but if you’ve never tried it, give it a shot.

DAO, MAO a and Histimine Intolerance, "say what?"

Ahhhhh…. I want to fist start out by saying how grateful I am for the people and the support I have in my life and all the positive things that have happened over the past several months.

What Hives Look Like, otherwise known as Uticaria. ITCHY!!

As you may or may not know the last several months have not been free of stress and were in fact some of the more stressful in my life. It turns out I created the perfect storm for turning on a couple of genetic mutations that are homozygous, which has resulted in histamine intolerance, which is more common in women over the age of 40. The genes are DAO and MAOa in addition to others that aren’t contributing in a positive manner. So what does all this mean? It means that foods I thought were very healthy for me are suddenly causing my body to be overloaded with histamine and causing hives almost every evening. I can count the days I haven’t had them on one hand and it also means the occasional bout of allergic conjunctivitis among being a contributor to many other symptoms. I will tell you this is similar to a CBS mutation in that I need to make every effort to lower my histamine load in order to get the symptoms under control and then I may be able to have some problem foods from time to time. I do have hope that there is a solution, but I have suddenly found myself feeling sucked into the “oh poor me” attitude or maybe not so much “oh poor me” as just feeling like my chronic issues are a ball and chain that I’m constantly caring around. I just want to feel normal. I don’t really know what normal is anymore.

It’s like a ton of bricks hit me. Just when I thought I was going to be able to start winding down with some of the protocols that I’m on and I was feeling hopeful that I could get back to a more “normal” way of life…Dun, dun, dun…chronic hives hit the stage. Oh joy!!! One more mystery to solve… It such a strong as someone with chronic autoimmune issues that all stresses are a risk it is difficult to tell how the body responds to those stresses. 

Sometimes we fair better than others. I’ve had a couple of pity parties for myself and oh, by the way that is another lovely symptom of these particular genetic mutations… issues with neurotransmitters. Seratonin, norepinepherine…  So my emotions are on a bit of a roller coaster too.

 

Well, stay tuned for the updates. I have high hopes that I can put hives behind me. They are truly maddening. 

BORING is GOOD!

I’m back after an incredible experience that has felt like a crazy amusement park ride over the past 4-5 months. I’m grateful to get off the ride…. Any longer and I might have suffered a much worse impact physically and emotionally.  The results of the last several months are positive, but they did come at a price.

I’m happy to say that we are homeowners once again and we have finally moved in and are getting settled. That said, getting to this point was a bit stressful as I would expect for anyone. We started our search in April in the hottest market in the nation, Denver. We hired our first realtor, only to realize it was not the right fit, so we fired our first realtor and hired our second realtor who was awesome and on top of it in this fast paced market. We looked at nearly 60 propertied in 3 weeks and made nearly 20 offers. It was even more difficult to compete in our price range and all ideals went out the window. The goal became to buy a house and put a roof over our heads that would be ours. Once our offer was accepted, the next challenge we came upon was getting the seller to agree to fix the $20K sewer line problem we found during the inspection… They agreed… meanwhile we lost our down payment assistance, I burst into tears. We had already been through so much to make it to this point. I was determined that I was not going to loose this house and that we were no longer going to be renters, which by the way our rent would have increased 44% in the last 12 months if we would have renewed our lease, which would have been this month. CRAZY!!!

Anyway, I digress. There was truly an angel in the universe looking out for us, because without even asking for the funds, a little angel came forward and said I’m going to make this happen for you… Que the tears again. This kind of generosity and kindness was something I had rarely experienced in life.  Someone was willing to loan me the funds we needed with absolutely no interest. Grateful, cannot even begin to describe how I felt in that moment and even to this day as I sit here and write this. Sad but true, it is not often that I feel someone has my back other than myself. That can feel l pretty lonely at times.

Next challenge was that the seller misrepresented the length that they had owned the property (fix n flip) and for FHA guidelines, they require that you own a house for at least 3 months prior to selling under FHA guidelines. This was when it really paid to have a good realtor. She extended our contract until a new contract could begin after the 90 days. All while I had to reschedule movers and tell the landlord we’d be moving later than expected. The amount of scrutiny that a buyer goes through regarding finances is a much different experience than the last time I bought a house. You essentially cannot have money coming or going from your account during the entire loan process without a formal explanation. That is much more difficult than you would think.

The closing process was a breeze compared to everything we had been through up to this point, so it seemed it would be smooth sailing… not true. Next challenge… As part of the contract, the seller threw in new furniture that was in the house during the showing. I went to the house after closing to put some groceries in the refrigerator so that they would be there after our move the next day. I noticed something was missing when I entered the house. The furniture that was part of the contract was all gone, so I had to contact my real estate agent. It took a few days, but the seller returned all of the furniture.

Next challenge, we had major plumbing issues in the first 24 hours after moving. We were displaced and inconvenience since we only have one bathroom. We ended up having to rip up the floors and walls… Turns out the seller dropped a tape measure in the sewer line during the fix n flip. We had to stay in a hotel for a few days while the work was being done. Meanwhile our agent and the sellers agent are communicating back and forth in the hopes that the seller would do the right thing and pay for at leas ta portion of the work that needed to be done due to his negligence. No such luck. The work is finally done. The floors are back and the walls are up and painted.

We are finally able to have a bit of peace in our lives. This is all a blip on the screen, but was a rude awakening back into homeownership. That said, I’m happy to have a place that is ours and that our monthly will be less than what our rent was.

There is still a list of things that need to be done, much of which needs to happen before winter arrives…. EXPENSES< EXPENSES< EXPENSES… they have added up, but in the end it will all be worth it.

Our Hallway in our new place

I owe a load of gratitude to my practitioners who prepared me so well to take on these challenges, though I did not come out unscathed. My adrenals are a bit shot, shocker, but not as bad as they’ve been in the past… I think this may also be affecting my thyroid, which we will be testing soon. I think the worst part is the chronic hives that I’ve been getting for the past 3 months. Every evening about 7 pm I get hives for about 30 minutes and then they go away, sometimes I get them during the day as well. We have not been able to figure out what the cause is, but could very well be a combination. We have change part of my protocol to help alleviate the histamine reactions. In addition I will be starting a modified detox next week. We have finally wrapped up chelation and I have had all the mercury fillings replaced in my mouth a couple months ago.

During the house buying experience I did put my health on hold. I stopped visiting my practitioners and probably did not eat as well as I should have, but I did my best to get through the experience without getting too scathed in the process.

Sometimes our bodies give us signs that it is time to draw boundaries and slow down and eliminate stressors…. I recently said to my doctor that I could use a little bit of “boring” in my life and well, that is what I’m shooting for over the next few months., BORING, but GOOD!

Ahhhh - Staycation...

The view from my hike at Crown Hill - Bellissimo!

It was just what the doctor ordered. I took some much needed time off to recharge, refresh and renew my outlook and it was a slice of heaven, not just because I needed time off, but because I love Denver where I live and because a stay-cation does not come with all the added stress of travel, packing, unpacking, pre-planning what and where to eat that can accommodate my food intolerances and then taking time to regroup to go back to work once vacation is over. I feel like I can breath again (Ahhhhhh!) and I hope that feeling lasts long beyond my time off. I took the time to spend outside enjoying our great weather, took a hike in nature (a photo of my hike at Crown Hill) and did some creative writing and drawing. I even wrapped up my Anatomy course and started a new class, but with little pressure on myself to push forward like I usually do. I ate some things that were a little bit naughty, but without any guilt and I sat in a few coffee shops for as long as I wanted to. I took my dog on several walks and pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted. I got some extra rest, extra sunshine and a lot of reprieve. Happiness is pretty simple for me and I filled up my cup. I feel much more in balance and ready to face the challenges of life.

I also did some soul searching during my time off and I realize as life will be quite busy for me through this summer I have to draw boundaries so that stress does not spiral out of control. I am continually challenged with drawing boundaries and the confidence to voice my opinion. I'm learning to embrace these challenges and using my voice. The next couple of months will bring some excitement and change into my life and at the same time I've decided it will be best for me to take a few months off from writing my blog until I feel I've regained the capacity to write helpful and inspiring posts once again for my followers. I appreciate your support and understanding during this break. I know that I will have so much to share with you when I return. I've never taken a break of this length from writing. Please stay tuned for my return and have an awesome summer!

Checking Out

Yikes! Is this me?

Sometimes we all need to check out from the world. I’ve been feeling that way though I realize there is probably some lesson here that I am supposed to learn. I’ve had quite a bit of stress on my plate and though most of it is related to good things to come it is stress none-the-less. Stress can cause flare ups despite being good or bad stress. This year will bring quite a bit of stress with it and thus I will also need to balance that with appropriate time to decompress. I’ve finished my first couple courses, qualified for a mortgage and will enter a very crazy real estate market all while doing my best to help a struggling business (not my own) stay afloat and keep a positive attitude despite the uncertainty. On top of the stress I have been experiencing frustration in those I spend the most time with. It feels like almost everyone is incapable of being self-reliant or self-sufficient…. I do believe there is a special type of patience that I am supposed to learn here. I feel like the glue in every aspect of my life and so, I had to allow myself to come unglued. I'm human, so I took some private time to have a melt down so that I could get back to life. It is good to be needed, but I also think there is a point at which it can feel as though others are taking advantage or at least shirking some responsibilities. Maybe this is another area of opportunity to draw more boundaries.

I’m excited about what the future holds, but also feel as though I’m racing against the clock in a few areas of my life. I’m looking forward to taking a week off at the end of March because it will give me time to collect myself, my thoughts and to reflect/project and most importantly some much needed time to rest so I can come back to the world refreshed. I do know that the universe will provide for my needs and that everything is as it should be. It is sometimes difficult to let go of things that are out of our control. I look forward to meeting with my ND at mid-March and perhaps beginning the process of reducing some of my protocols. There are other aspects of my health that still need attention, but mostly I have more good days than bad and for that I am grateful.

If you are feeling frustration/stress/pressure it can be helpful to find an outlet, such as screaming into a pillow. Yes, I know how strange that sounds, but can be strangely therapeutic. Give yourself plenty of tie and space to recoup from stressful events. Make sure to do something nurturing for yourself. Your needs are just as important as everyone else. Don’t forget that important aspect you caring for yourself. Depression and anxiety can easily result if you put yourself on the back burner. Stand up for yourself and draw boundaries. You’ll thank yourself later as creating boundaries can be quite empowering. Checking out is okay if it is temporary for the sake of reprieve and relaxation, but make sure you aren’t checking out from life when you are feeling depressed. It will only serve to make you feel alienated. That can be a dangerous thing to do. It is better to reach out for help once you are depressed even though it may feel like the last thing you want to do.

Spring is around the corner and I feel that good things are about to happen. I feel it in my bones.

Meet Yourself Where You Are

Do you ever look back on your journey and wonder how you possibly made the journey to arrive where you are today? I remember knowing that I would never give up on myself despite the many challenges (I still feel that way), but I was never quite sure if I would get to a point where I would feel well enough to do things that I had always hoped I would be able to do. I have met myself where I am… Does that make any sense? Well, I realize there will always be some element of management to my illnesses, but I have more good days than bad and I’m thrilled to say that I have a lot of exciting plans for 2015 and the future. It is like the clouds are clearing and the sunlight is beginning to trickle through. I’m not quite sure how I got here, but I know it was a combination of hard work and effort and always looking for new options if something didn’t seem to work quite like expected along the way. I have my whole future ahead and I know it won’t be all roses and I’m ok with that… I’ll take it.

I’m thrilled to say that I started my school work this week. I am studying for my Holistic Health Practitioner (HHP) and my Nutrition Consultant (NC). I hope to have both programs completed by the end of 2015. This coursework will enhance my current knowledge as I begin to work on helping others on their journeys to wellness while they are challenged with chronic illness. In addition, some how, some way, we’ll be buying a house this year and I will be working toward launching my website for The Vital Beet all while working full-time and continuing on my own journey toward wellness. This may not sound like much to accomplish in a year, but for me it is and I’m proud I can even consider doing these things. I’m excited that none of this is scary to me… that means I am ready and that I’ve learned to set boundaries. I will be excited to look back a year from now and see where I’m at on my own wellness journey in addition to others that I will be helping in the year to come. I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve had along the way and all the lessons I will learn not only from my coursework, but also from the experience of others.

As for my progress on the horizon, I’m doing well. There are a few things to tweak and my doctor not only is treating my genetic mutation based on my symptoms, but also some hormonal issues and pain that comes with flares. All this in addition to chelating the toxic heavy metals. In a couple of months we will look at labs, where my toxic metal load is and begin to eliminate some of the supplements and medications that I am currently on. I wasn’t sure there would ever be a day that I truly thought this would happen, but we have arrived. YAY! I’m grateful to slowly but surely get my life back.




In addition, we have been volunteering at MaxFund for the past three months and it has been so rewarding. Check out cute little Wilbur who will most certainly be adopted very quickly when he is ready. What a bundle of fun and energy. I have realized even more so how important animals can be for the healing process.

Cute little Wilbur at MaxFund

Thank you for your continued interest in my ramblings. If you are interested in or know someone that would benefit from Lifestyle Education for chronically ill, please contact me at The Vital Beet to schedule an appointment : TheVitalBeet@gmail.com